Moss - time

Albert Mossman likes moss. He is a moss wrangler at the Melbourne Zoo. Actually, he doesn't just LIKE moss. He should probably get some help.

Albert: (to a passer by)
See the moss?

(to another passer by)
Spagnum just coming into rutting season - check out the young sporophytes vying for position

(A woman and a child come up to the enclosure)
Fan of the moss, Mam? The youngster will be interested to see the Bryopsida; a frisky little beast, it punches well above its weight in the social order.

Lady:
Moss has a social order?

Oh indeed it does. See old silverback there? The Andreaeopsida? He's been top moss for years now, got all the best bits of soil, he has. But then there's Bruno, the Polytrichopsida. He's smart, and strong, and wants to get a taste of the finer things, if you know what I'm saying. Some of the young lady mosses can be quite the tease if you catch my drift... waggling their archegonia about like it's the fall of rome. HA

Child:
Are they like lichen?

Albert:
(Slaps child on back of head. Child falls on face. Lady does not see what happens) Hmya!

Lady:
Good lord! Jeremy! What happened!

Albert:
The young man took a tumble. Probably distracted by the vast breadth of the Bryophyta family. It can take them like that, sometimes, the breadth. Anyway, as I was saying...

Lady (Hustling the bewildered child away):
Don't worry Jeremy, we'll go see the Meerkats.

Albert:
Oh you fucking would, wouldn't you, you tart! Go on, go look at the braindead little rodent twats!

(during this rant the head of the zoo, Mr Phatgibbon, has come onto the stage)

Albert (Seeing Mr Phatgibbon and thinking on his feet):
Oh, Mr Phatgibbon! I was just directing some customers to the gift shop.

Mr Phatgibbon:
I see. Look, Albert... I think we need to have a discussion.

Albert:
Well, it's not a very good time for me, Sir, got a bit of a rush on at the moment.

Mr P:
Well ... actually you don't. Actually the moss is the least popular exhibit at the zoo. And that's kind of what I'm here about.

Albert:
OOh, I see, I didn't realise we were running a popularity contest here. I thought we were bringing the wonder of natures beasts to the doorsteps of the people of Melbourne.

Mr P:
Well, ok don't get like that Albert. But say you're right - then we have to deal with the fact that moss isn't technically an animal. And that most people, if they looked, could find an exhibit growing on their doorstep.

Albert:

You find cats on people's doorsteps. Doesn't stop Fenya with her...

Mr P:

Fenya's lions are the pride of the Zoo.

Albert:
This is just FUCKING TYPICAL if you'll excuse me sir. You want ears, stupid little paws. Action! Well, if it's action you want, what about the time that Acroschisma escaped and attacked that chinese woman?

Mr P:
There was a significant body of evidence that suggested you were the one who attacked Ms Tan. The zoo was lucky she was too terrified to press charges. Albert, I'm afraid the board has asked me to close the exhibit.

Albert:
HA! The board. The board can kiss my archegonia.

Mr P:
Albert, this is going to happen. I'll be signing approval papers for an extension to the Meerkat enclosure tomorrow.

Albert:
MEERKATS!

Mr P:
Yes, Albert, Meerkats. It's a pity, because I always had a soft spot for lichen (He turns to look out over the Moss enclosure)...

Albert:
Lichen!!! Lichen!! I'll give you lichen you warm blooded parasite! (He pushes Mr Phatgibbon into the enclosure)

(Sound effect of man being attacked by moss plays. Screams. Occasionally a hand is or a leg is seen being flung up over the edge as Mr Phatgibbon tries desperately to escape. But there is no escape)

Albert:
That's it, my pretties. Feed! FEEED!