Friday, February 19, 2010

An average phone call that left him feeling so-so

ring-ring ring-ring

Waltman: Mike Waltman Speaking

Nurse: Mr.Waltman. Im calling from the hospital regarding your father.

Waltman: Yes?

Nurse: Im sorry to say, he passed on

Waltman: Oh my god

Nurse: It was a very difficult night last night

Waltman: Did he suffer?

Nurse: Terribly

Waltman: Oh lord

Nurse: We were unable to knock him out. He endured an inhuman amount of pain.

Waltman: Did he go quickly at least?

Nurse: Mr.Waltman, It was slow beyond comprehension. Too long for any person to be writhing in agony. Much too long for... anything.

Waltman. Oh Jesus.

Nurse: I'm so sorry

Waltman: Did any of my siblings make it in time to be with him and my mother?

Nurse: Your brother was here for a while

Waltman: But my father died with just his wife by his side?

Nurse: There was no one in the room with your father when he died. He was alone, with the door shut and the lights turned off.

Waltman: So no one heard his last words? How could this happen? Where was my mother?

Nurse: Your father had been screaming for hours. Making accusations, renouncing everything and everyone. Your father had a lot of regrets.

Waltman: And my mother?

Nurse: She left after he said he blamed her for ruining his life by getting pregnant and not aborting the fetus.

Waltman: Oh... god. Something in the dying process must have been affecting his mind

Nurse: I really can't see how. Your father came in with cardiac problems. His heart was under a lot of strain. Most likely regret-induced strain.

Waltman: So my dad died of a heart attack?

Nurse: The official cause of death is unhappiness, a percieved unfortunate series of events, a poorly led life.

Waltman: I can't verbalise how awful this makes me feel.

Nurse: I'm sorry

Waltman: May I ask what the last thing he ate was?

Nurse: Your mother brought in some creme brule

Waltman: That was his favourite. Its nice to be able to find some comfort in that

Nurse: he threw it up immediately

1 comment:

  1. hahaha. How awful. "Something in the dying process" haha. This is a good sketch. It fills me with the laughter of despair.

    I do see no reason why it needs to be a phonecall, in fact I think it might even be better id it was located in a hospital, after Waltman has just arrived hoping to see his father one last time.

    It's great to see the 'peaceful death' thing skewered. Meaningless platitudes be damned.

    I'm trying so hard to write a sketch with a man and a woman in it and it's not going well so far.

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