MORE SATIRE!!!

1: This horse is broken.

2: Oh dear. What happened to it?

1: Someone must have dropped it...

2: Dropped it? it's a horse! You can't pick it up!

1: Hmmm, well, maybe it fell off something.

2: Like what? We're in the middle of a field.

1: Maybe it fell out of a tree?

2: Hmmm... While I accept that a horse, if it found itself in a tree, would probably end up falling out, the idea that a horse would get into a tree in the first place is, in a word, farcical. Are you being wilfully stupid?

1: No.

2: So what happened to this horse?

1: I know. It must have jumped over that hedge and fallen over.

2: Why on earth would a horse jump over a hedge that high?

1: Maybe it lost a bet?

2: Stop it.

1: Sorry. Well, I guess we'll never know. Inscrutable, these magnificent beasts.

2: Hang on. What's that you've got there?

1: Where?

2: In your hand!

1: Oh, it's an apple. A braeburn.

2: The other hand.

1: Oh... this? Umm... it's a back scratcher. For horses.

2: It's a whip.

1: Tomayto, tomarto...

2: You were riding that horse, weren't you. You made it jump over that hedge.

1: NO! But also yes. Yes I did.

2: For the love of god... why?

1: Pffffff.... gags?

2: You absolute wanker.

1: Guilty as charged.

Really gotta mix up the style for the next one. This dialogue shit is getting tedious.

Lock into my eyes

I walked outside this morning to find that someone had stolen my bicycle lock.
A saw must have been used because there on the ground was , or two unicycles.
The lamp post the bike had been leaning on was left completely undamaged, Thinking ahead I would only ever lock the bike to itself, in case someone ever did try to steal my lock, no council property would be damaged. You're very welcome Mr Mayor.

That was my favourite bike lock, I recieved it for christmas as a child and I rode it for years,
It wasnt until years later my parents bought me a bicycle.
It was a simple enough transition because there are so many similarities between riding bicycle and riding a bicycle lock:
- First of all, once you learn to ride a lock you never ever forget.
- Both can be riden by putting the instrument between your legs, except the lock can also be riden like a skateboard, a single engined aircraft or a ouiji board.
- When riding either mode of transportation it is important to alert people on the street of your inevitable over-taking, using sound, usually dinging. However because my lock was not equiped with a bell, if I was flying along on my lock and I saw that I was approaching someone, I'd begin a series of hooting and howling, and if that recieved no acknowledgement of my incoming I would carefully take one hand off my lock, focusing hard on keeping my balance, and proceed to pound my finger tips into the center of my palm, essentially clapping with one hand, making a slightly louder than expected sound.

Satire.

1: Oh dear. I've got some bad news. The building is on fire.

2: Really? On fire? Where's your evidence?

1: Over there, where you can see that flame, that's a bit of the fire.

2: Oh, that's probably just natural burnoff. Part of the natural cycle. At any given time some bit of the building is always on fire. I read that somewhere.

1: No, I think it's caused by the gas heater you left on.

2: Good luck proving that one. Mate.

1: Well, the fact remains that the building is on fire. What should we do?

2: Well, I don't accept that the building is on fire.

1: Well, I've done a poll and 80% of the people in the building think it is on fire and it is caused by you leaving the gas heater on.

2: Fine. I'll deal with it.

1: Great...

...

...

1: Umm, what are you doing?

2: I'm dealing with the situation.

1: How? The building is more on fire than ever.

2: Well, I just sent an email telling everyone that the building is NOT on fire. That should fix those polling numbers.

1: Hmmm. I don't think you understand. This isn't a public perception issue.

2: Everything is a public perception issue.

1: Except this.

2: Fine. Fine. What do you propose we do?

1: Well, we could switch off the heater for a start...

2: That's crazy. You can't just switch it off. people will get cold. I tell you what I'll do, I'll catch all the flame in bags. That way it won't be able to hurt anyone.

1: Catch the flame in bags. Right. What kind of bag could possibly catch a flame?

2: I'll work on that. See if we can't come up with a special sort of fireproof bag we can stash all this fire in.

1: This is stupid. That will take ages. I'm leaving.

2: leaving the building?

1: Yes.

2: You can't do that!

1: Why not?

2: Well, because then the metaphor breaks down.

1: Fine, i'll just sit here and play with this polar bear.

2: You do that. I really think I'm getting somewhere with this bag idea.

Walking the Planck

M: Oh. Shit. Oh, damn.

B: What is it now, Max?

M: Oh, I've just discovered that light is quantised.

B: Really? That's amazing!!

M: God this is embarassing.

B: No, no that's fantastic!

M: I suppose this will overturn years of scientific thought...

B: I should think so! It will revolutionise the physics of small scale interaction!

M: Shit. This is just like the time I broke the washing machine.

B: Look. Stop it. Can't you just be happy?

M: And I've got this bloody constant everywhere...

B: What constant.

M: Well, that's the thing. It's Planck's constant.

B: Your constant.

M: Yes. See, now everyone is going to know it was me...

Hahahahah.... ah. ah. ah...

The Parent Trapese...

Brenda: Hi, Mum, Dad... This is Michael.

Mum: Hi Michael! Such a pleasure to meet you at last!

Michael: And you Mr and Mrs Godwit

Dad: Beer? Champagne?

Michael: Oh, not thanks. I don't drink.

Brenda: Michaels a Nazi, aren't you, Michael...

Mum: What?

Michael: No! No... What? Miranda, I'm a Buddhist!

Brenda: What did I say?

Michael: You said I was a Nazi!

Brenda: Oh. Whoops, sorry! Slip of the tongue!

Michael: Yes, well. Just to be clear, I'm a Buddhist. Not a Nazi.

Dad: I'm sure So, any trouble finding the place?

Michael: No, I was fine. Fine.

Brenda: Michael ran over a pensioner.

Michael: No I didn't!

Brenda: Didn't even look back. Ran her over and just kept driving.

Michael: Brenda! What are you saying!

Brenda: I'm explaining why you work in marketing...

Michael: You just accused me of a hit and run murder!

Brenda: Oh, really? I meant to say you're father was in sales...

Michael: They don't even sound the same!

Brenda: I'm sorry, i've been an absolute mess ever since we had that meeting at the bank.

Michael: I hate the jews.

Me and the King

King: Knock Knock, King Here.

*door opens*

Fellow: Oh hello King, What do we owe this honour to?

King: Well, I heard you were to be wed tomorrow, I've come to give your fiance my blessing

Fellow:

King: Im here to sleep with your bride

Fellow: hmm... Im new to this kingdom, I should have known you have weird taxes

King: Yes, I know, Its a dreadful bother; Im entitled to the first, and five percent of what ever you get... per anum.

Fellow: I see

King: Compounded monthly

Fellow: Right.

King: Have you heard of the new plumbing system we're installing?

Fellow: No

King: Well we noticed everyone was disposing of their waste in their own seprerate, creative ways. Wasting it if you will. We wont have any of that in this kingdom. We want the lot.

Fellow: Have it

King: Dont fake dismissiveness. I know what you are thinking. Im the most ruthless ruler of them all, arent I? A kingdom where subjects arent even entitled to their business, it's ludicrous! Go on, tell me i'm the worst... come on... tell me....

Fellow: You're the worst

King: Great! I knew it. Oh thats wonderful. Listen, I wont bother blessing your misses tonight, im in too good a mood. But Im still taking my 5 percent, alright?

Fellow: Alright

King: My God im Ruthless.

Hmmmmm.... We are doing well, aren't we?

Here in the savannah, we can observe many of the adaptations with which nature has blessed its beasts of the field as they go about their daily business.

Here we see a spangled mole rat applying for an extension on his mortgage. See the way he uses the claws on his powerful hind legs to point out the equity still untapped in his other investments. His family will get that extention they've always wanted.

Here a family of Meerkats is avoiding that annoying aunt that invites herself to dinner. One cat will stand watch by the water feature to alert the others. In this way the family can take it in turns to relax, and organise that album of wedding photos that's just been sitting around the place.

Finally, the carry-over champion of the jungle, the Golden Macaque. He swings effortlessly from singles bar to singles bar, enchanting the females with his stories about the time he met Keanu Reeves at the melbourne cup.