Walking the Planck

M: Oh. Shit. Oh, damn.

B: What is it now, Max?

M: Oh, I've just discovered that light is quantised.

B: Really? That's amazing!!

M: God this is embarassing.

B: No, no that's fantastic!

M: I suppose this will overturn years of scientific thought...

B: I should think so! It will revolutionise the physics of small scale interaction!

M: Shit. This is just like the time I broke the washing machine.

B: Look. Stop it. Can't you just be happy?

M: And I've got this bloody constant everywhere...

B: What constant.

M: Well, that's the thing. It's Planck's constant.

B: Your constant.

M: Yes. See, now everyone is going to know it was me...

Hahahahah.... ah. ah. ah...

The Parent Trapese...

Brenda: Hi, Mum, Dad... This is Michael.

Mum: Hi Michael! Such a pleasure to meet you at last!

Michael: And you Mr and Mrs Godwit

Dad: Beer? Champagne?

Michael: Oh, not thanks. I don't drink.

Brenda: Michaels a Nazi, aren't you, Michael...

Mum: What?

Michael: No! No... What? Miranda, I'm a Buddhist!

Brenda: What did I say?

Michael: You said I was a Nazi!

Brenda: Oh. Whoops, sorry! Slip of the tongue!

Michael: Yes, well. Just to be clear, I'm a Buddhist. Not a Nazi.

Dad: I'm sure So, any trouble finding the place?

Michael: No, I was fine. Fine.

Brenda: Michael ran over a pensioner.

Michael: No I didn't!

Brenda: Didn't even look back. Ran her over and just kept driving.

Michael: Brenda! What are you saying!

Brenda: I'm explaining why you work in marketing...

Michael: You just accused me of a hit and run murder!

Brenda: Oh, really? I meant to say you're father was in sales...

Michael: They don't even sound the same!

Brenda: I'm sorry, i've been an absolute mess ever since we had that meeting at the bank.

Michael: I hate the jews.

Me and the King

King: Knock Knock, King Here.

*door opens*

Fellow: Oh hello King, What do we owe this honour to?

King: Well, I heard you were to be wed tomorrow, I've come to give your fiance my blessing

Fellow:

King: Im here to sleep with your bride

Fellow: hmm... Im new to this kingdom, I should have known you have weird taxes

King: Yes, I know, Its a dreadful bother; Im entitled to the first, and five percent of what ever you get... per anum.

Fellow: I see

King: Compounded monthly

Fellow: Right.

King: Have you heard of the new plumbing system we're installing?

Fellow: No

King: Well we noticed everyone was disposing of their waste in their own seprerate, creative ways. Wasting it if you will. We wont have any of that in this kingdom. We want the lot.

Fellow: Have it

King: Dont fake dismissiveness. I know what you are thinking. Im the most ruthless ruler of them all, arent I? A kingdom where subjects arent even entitled to their business, it's ludicrous! Go on, tell me i'm the worst... come on... tell me....

Fellow: You're the worst

King: Great! I knew it. Oh thats wonderful. Listen, I wont bother blessing your misses tonight, im in too good a mood. But Im still taking my 5 percent, alright?

Fellow: Alright

King: My God im Ruthless.

Hmmmmm.... We are doing well, aren't we?

Here in the savannah, we can observe many of the adaptations with which nature has blessed its beasts of the field as they go about their daily business.

Here we see a spangled mole rat applying for an extension on his mortgage. See the way he uses the claws on his powerful hind legs to point out the equity still untapped in his other investments. His family will get that extention they've always wanted.

Here a family of Meerkats is avoiding that annoying aunt that invites herself to dinner. One cat will stand watch by the water feature to alert the others. In this way the family can take it in turns to relax, and organise that album of wedding photos that's just been sitting around the place.

Finally, the carry-over champion of the jungle, the Golden Macaque. He swings effortlessly from singles bar to singles bar, enchanting the females with his stories about the time he met Keanu Reeves at the melbourne cup.

What was That?

Woman: Why did you make me tell you about all my past boyfriends??

Man: So that I could find out what kind of woman you really are!!! A very good one apprently, Ive been hearing great things

Woman: From who?

Man: Your exes, really great guys. Im surprised you let them go

Woman: Babe, are you kidding?

Man: What? I can be cool about this, I can be "one of the girls"

Woman: Maybe i dont want that

Man: But maybe you do. You most likely do. Guys like girls that are dudie.

Woman: Dudie?

Man: Tell me about your tampons

Woman: How about we go to sleep

Man: I know thats what the guy who's writing this sketch is thinking

Woman: Ooookay... Good night

Man: Good night Baby, I dont think he had any good ideas anyway. Left it too late i think.

Advicium OverReatorum

Mother: You should give your girlfriend some jewelery. Give her a nice golden necklace with a diamond. A small delicate necklace, because she's delicate

Son: Yes Mother but she's also very strong, what should i give her for that? A steel chain and a rock?

Mother: Are you done?

Son: She's also quite sharp Mother, perhaps I could get her a razor blade bracelet? Or a big cow broach for how much of a pushover she is?

Mother: You dont like advice do you?

Moss - time

Albert Mossman likes moss. He is a moss wrangler at the Melbourne Zoo. Actually, he doesn't just LIKE moss. He should probably get some help.

Albert: (to a passer by)
See the moss?

(to another passer by)
Spagnum just coming into rutting season - check out the young sporophytes vying for position

(A woman and a child come up to the enclosure)
Fan of the moss, Mam? The youngster will be interested to see the Bryopsida; a frisky little beast, it punches well above its weight in the social order.

Lady:
Moss has a social order?

Oh indeed it does. See old silverback there? The Andreaeopsida? He's been top moss for years now, got all the best bits of soil, he has. But then there's Bruno, the Polytrichopsida. He's smart, and strong, and wants to get a taste of the finer things, if you know what I'm saying. Some of the young lady mosses can be quite the tease if you catch my drift... waggling their archegonia about like it's the fall of rome. HA

Child:
Are they like lichen?

Albert:
(Slaps child on back of head. Child falls on face. Lady does not see what happens) Hmya!

Lady:
Good lord! Jeremy! What happened!

Albert:
The young man took a tumble. Probably distracted by the vast breadth of the Bryophyta family. It can take them like that, sometimes, the breadth. Anyway, as I was saying...

Lady (Hustling the bewildered child away):
Don't worry Jeremy, we'll go see the Meerkats.

Albert:
Oh you fucking would, wouldn't you, you tart! Go on, go look at the braindead little rodent twats!

(during this rant the head of the zoo, Mr Phatgibbon, has come onto the stage)

Albert (Seeing Mr Phatgibbon and thinking on his feet):
Oh, Mr Phatgibbon! I was just directing some customers to the gift shop.

Mr Phatgibbon:
I see. Look, Albert... I think we need to have a discussion.

Albert:
Well, it's not a very good time for me, Sir, got a bit of a rush on at the moment.

Mr P:
Well ... actually you don't. Actually the moss is the least popular exhibit at the zoo. And that's kind of what I'm here about.

Albert:
OOh, I see, I didn't realise we were running a popularity contest here. I thought we were bringing the wonder of natures beasts to the doorsteps of the people of Melbourne.

Mr P:
Well, ok don't get like that Albert. But say you're right - then we have to deal with the fact that moss isn't technically an animal. And that most people, if they looked, could find an exhibit growing on their doorstep.

Albert:

You find cats on people's doorsteps. Doesn't stop Fenya with her...

Mr P:

Fenya's lions are the pride of the Zoo.

Albert:
This is just FUCKING TYPICAL if you'll excuse me sir. You want ears, stupid little paws. Action! Well, if it's action you want, what about the time that Acroschisma escaped and attacked that chinese woman?

Mr P:
There was a significant body of evidence that suggested you were the one who attacked Ms Tan. The zoo was lucky she was too terrified to press charges. Albert, I'm afraid the board has asked me to close the exhibit.

Albert:
HA! The board. The board can kiss my archegonia.

Mr P:
Albert, this is going to happen. I'll be signing approval papers for an extension to the Meerkat enclosure tomorrow.

Albert:
MEERKATS!

Mr P:
Yes, Albert, Meerkats. It's a pity, because I always had a soft spot for lichen (He turns to look out over the Moss enclosure)...

Albert:
Lichen!!! Lichen!! I'll give you lichen you warm blooded parasite! (He pushes Mr Phatgibbon into the enclosure)

(Sound effect of man being attacked by moss plays. Screams. Occasionally a hand is or a leg is seen being flung up over the edge as Mr Phatgibbon tries desperately to escape. But there is no escape)

Albert:
That's it, my pretties. Feed! FEEED!