Monday, August 31, 2009
Walking the Planck
Sunday, August 30, 2009
The Parent Trapese...
Me and the King
*door opens*
Fellow: Oh hello King, What do we owe this honour to?
King: Well, I heard you were to be wed tomorrow, I've come to give your fiance my blessing
Fellow:
King: Im here to sleep with your bride
Fellow: hmm... Im new to this kingdom, I should have known you have weird taxes
King: Yes, I know, Its a dreadful bother; Im entitled to the first, and five percent of what ever you get... per anum.
Fellow: I see
King: Compounded monthly
Fellow: Right.
King: Have you heard of the new plumbing system we're installing?
Fellow: No
King: Well we noticed everyone was disposing of their waste in their own seprerate, creative ways. Wasting it if you will. We wont have any of that in this kingdom. We want the lot.
Fellow: Have it
King: Dont fake dismissiveness. I know what you are thinking. Im the most ruthless ruler of them all, arent I? A kingdom where subjects arent even entitled to their business, it's ludicrous! Go on, tell me i'm the worst... come on... tell me....
Fellow: You're the worst
King: Great! I knew it. Oh thats wonderful. Listen, I wont bother blessing your misses tonight, im in too good a mood. But Im still taking my 5 percent, alright?
Fellow: Alright
King: My God im Ruthless.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Hmmmmm.... We are doing well, aren't we?
Sunday, August 23, 2009
What was That?
Man: So that I could find out what kind of woman you really are!!! A very good one apprently, Ive been hearing great things
Woman: From who?
Man: Your exes, really great guys. Im surprised you let them go
Woman: Babe, are you kidding?
Man: What? I can be cool about this, I can be "one of the girls"
Woman: Maybe i dont want that
Man: But maybe you do. You most likely do. Guys like girls that are dudie.
Woman: Dudie?
Man: Tell me about your tampons
Woman: How about we go to sleep
Man: I know thats what the guy who's writing this sketch is thinking
Woman: Ooookay... Good night
Man: Good night Baby, I dont think he had any good ideas anyway. Left it too late i think.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Advicium OverReatorum
Son: Yes Mother but she's also very strong, what should i give her for that? A steel chain and a rock?
Mother: Are you done?
Son: She's also quite sharp Mother, perhaps I could get her a razor blade bracelet? Or a big cow broach for how much of a pushover she is?
Mother: You dont like advice do you?
Moss - time
Albert: (to a passer by)
See the moss?
(to another passer by)
Spagnum just coming into rutting season - check out the young sporophytes vying for position
(A woman and a child come up to the enclosure)
Fan of the moss, Mam? The youngster will be interested to see the Bryopsida; a frisky little beast, it punches well above its weight in the social order.
Lady:
Moss has a social order?
Oh indeed it does. See old silverback there? The Andreaeopsida? He's been top moss for years now, got all the best bits of soil, he has. But then there's Bruno, the Polytrichopsida. He's smart, and strong, and wants to get a taste of the finer things, if you know what I'm saying. Some of the young lady mosses can be quite the tease if you catch my drift... waggling their archegonia about like it's the fall of rome. HA
Are they like lichen?
Albert:
(Slaps child on back of head. Child falls on face. Lady does not see what happens) Hmya!
Lady:
Good lord! Jeremy! What happened!
Albert:
The young man took a tumble. Probably distracted by the vast breadth of the Bryophyta family. It can take them like that, sometimes, the breadth. Anyway, as I was saying...
Lady (Hustling the bewildered child away):
Don't worry Jeremy, we'll go see the Meerkats.
Albert:
Oh you fucking would, wouldn't you, you tart! Go on, go look at the braindead little rodent twats!
(during this rant the head of the zoo, Mr Phatgibbon, has come onto the stage)
Albert (Seeing Mr Phatgibbon and thinking on his feet):
Oh, Mr Phatgibbon! I was just directing some customers to the gift shop.
Mr Phatgibbon:
I see. Look, Albert... I think we need to have a discussion.
Albert:
Well, it's not a very good time for me, Sir, got a bit of a rush on at the moment.
Mr P:
Well ... actually you don't. Actually the moss is the least popular exhibit at the zoo. And that's kind of what I'm here about.
Albert:
OOh, I see, I didn't realise we were running a popularity contest here. I thought we were bringing the wonder of natures beasts to the doorsteps of the people of Melbourne.
Mr P:
Well, ok don't get like that Albert. But say you're right - then we have to deal with the fact that moss isn't technically an animal. And that most people, if they looked, could find an exhibit growing on their doorstep.
Albert:
This is just FUCKING TYPICAL if you'll excuse me sir. You want ears, stupid little paws. Action! Well, if it's action you want, what about the time that Acroschisma escaped and attacked that chinese woman?
Mr P:
There was a significant body of evidence that suggested you were the one who attacked Ms Tan. The zoo was lucky she was too terrified to press charges. Albert, I'm afraid the board has asked me to close the exhibit.
Albert:
HA! The board. The board can kiss my archegonia.
Mr P:
Albert, this is going to happen. I'll be signing approval papers for an extension to the Meerkat enclosure tomorrow.
MEERKATS!
Yes, Albert, Meerkats. It's a pity, because I always had a soft spot for lichen (He turns to look out over the Moss enclosure)...
Albert:
Lichen!!! Lichen!! I'll give you lichen you warm blooded parasite! (He pushes Mr Phatgibbon into the enclosure)
(Sound effect of man being attacked by moss plays. Screams. Occasionally a hand is or a leg is seen being flung up over the edge as Mr Phatgibbon tries desperately to escape. But there is no escape)
Albert:
That's it, my pretties. Feed! FEEED!
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Hey Guys
Peace Out
PS: this is not a sketch
Disdainercise!
Arts Apart
M&M: "Ok how bout this.... we get the bass line and drum line from each song"
TMT: "But neither of you play the drums"
M&M:"How hard can it be? Im learning as we speak. Bing badda bop bop... ...we can hire a guy"
TMT: "Thats fine. Have 'em. But we get the guitar lines and keyboards"
M&M:"Hey you can't have both rythm guitar AND lead!
TMT:"Yes we can. Yes we can. We can have both"
M&M:"Fine but you're not getting both keyboard hands, we're taking the left. NO! the right!"
TMT:"Done. Who gets Tambourine?"
M&M:"We dont want it"
TMT:"Neither do we"
M&M:"We could auction it off. Could make enough for free lunch.
TMT: "How are we dividing song lyrics?"
M&M: "Look I dont care.. how about we take all the verbs and you guys get the nouns... but we get to keep all the dirty words"
TMT: "What about the pronouns"
M&M: "Keep them...it, thou and they.... we get you and we"
TMT: "we want we"
M&M: "You're not getting we! I will fight this to my death"
TMT: "See you in court!"
Intelligent Design...
Sunday, August 2, 2009
The voice of christmas future...
Myth Busting Cow, What?
*bullshit music to break up intro and segment*
The Minotaur is a terrifying creature from Greek Mythology, Part man, Part bull... Or a potentially less threatening, more arousing hybrid: Part woman, with the head of a cow.
The myth states that Pasiphae, wife of Minos, under spell of God Poisedon, fell madly in love with the Cretan bull. So Pasiphae had Daedalus, the famous architect, make a wooden cow for her so that she could climb inside it and "copulate" with the bull. Presumably, she must have been kneeling right at the back of the wooden beast, with her vagina pressed up through the strategically carved out lady-hole.
In this episode, we will try to bust this myth by two methods:
We will test whether an anatomically-correct hollow cow sculpture could plausibly withstand the weight of a thousand kilos of beef pressing down on it and vigorously thrusting as if possessed by Zeus himself.
Secondly, our staff will try to find out whether or not it is possible for a Bull to actually empregnate a human female. And Vice versa.
And Stick around till the end of the show to find out if Debis' cow-man-child will thrive on meals of human flesh or wither and struggle in this dark stoney labyrinth without a single cud and six hungry stomach.
This thing is so fragmented and needs a lot of work. But its late now, and all im ending up writing about is fucking. Good night!
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Drug Deal
A man walks past a dodgy hotdog stand
Customer: Hello, you open for business
Vendor: Always, as long as its business dawg what you need, i can give you what you need
Customer: Yeah hi, id like a hotdog with sauce
Vendor: Alright, i hear you i hear you, with sauce, right i know what you want man. You dont want no hotdog
Customer: i dont
Vendor: Nah man, hotdog is weak man, its weak, this weeks shipment aint right dawg. Youll be paying full price for some wack shit
Customer: But i like hotdogs
Vendor: I know man, i know you do. I know how you hotdog fiends be, you get stuck on the product cant truck no change, get all addicted and shit
Customer: To hotdogs
Vendor: Yeah man, you get mad on that hotdog. But i got something better much better
Customer: Ok, what else do you have in there
Vendor: Back here, i got everything you need playa. I got some shit fresh of the boat from my connek in Mexico nigga, we callin it Burrito
Customer: Well i like Burritos
Vendor: What nigga, how you had Burrito before, you damn sure havent had this Burrito before, its fresh of the boat, Mexico via Columbia nigga
Customer: Columbia?, isnt that along way to go for lunch
Vendor: Lunch? What you mean..... ahhhh lunch, like you got the hunger for Burrito or hotdog, you having it for lunch, you almost lost me on that yo
Customer: .......Right, so ill have a burrito then (puts 5 bucks on the counter)
Vendor: What kind of wack shit is this yo, are you playin me. Coz Lil Big John dont get, oh i see, playa wanna pre tasting i see i see no worries
Customer: Thats really nice of you id love a pre taste like you say.
Vendor puts a burrito on the counter
Customer: Wheres my crack?